Last week, I stopped into the Reading Room before school started to check in with Dawn and Ashley. We had a Literacy Team meeting that afternoon and hadn’t quite ironed out a plan, never mind an agenda. In between our makeshift planning session, a few teachers popped in and out and planning turned into chatting. Somehow, I ended up sharing, “I think I’m losing my voice from all the yelling I did last night. Adi’s killing me.”
Dawn sensing my shame said, “It happens. You’re still a good mom.” Despite being the literacy coach in our building, I often lean on Dawn for life coaching. Should I bring my kids into the doctor? Am I being too stubborn in my frustrations with my husband? Is cereal for dinner ok sometimes?“I’m just glad to hear you yell sometimes, ” Leigh-ann chimed in. “I often ask myself, ‘what would Jess say?’ when I’m at home. I’m kind of relieved,” she laughed.
My mom guilt kicked in. I know the importance of language. I preach “The Power of our Words” all the time. Yet, my testy five and a half year old, master button pusher, has been getting the best of me lately. I so look forward to picking my kids up after a long day, settling in together, and enjoying each other’s company. This dream is hardly ever the reality that I’m hit with. Adi, who thankfully holds herself together beautifully in kindergarten, tends to let it all out as soon as I pick her up from school.
The day before my admission about losing my voice, she had announced after buckling into her carseat, “I’m just going to be mean the rest of the day,” and despite my best efforts to talk her off the edge, she pretty much lived up to her proclamation. At a certain point, my reinforcing, reminding, and redirecting language is just background noise and I snap.
I’ve recently been noticing my snapping echoing out of Wren’s mouth, her first reacting to dealing with her annoying little sister. This is a reminder to me that my words and my reactions matter. Also a reminder that I need to do better.
This morning, we were having a lazy Sunday. The girls were busy working on various projects at the kitchen table while I worked on prepping for the week in the kitchen. As I worked, quickly, knowing that the calm wouldn’t last, I overheard Rose, our two year old say, “Thank you Adi. You’re a big sharer.” Followed by the patter of her barefoot into the kitchen holding up a lump of purple clay. “Look, Mom! Adi shared her clay with me.”
I smiled and made note that those words were also mine and I was grateful.
Where There's Joy 
Thank you for your candor, Jessica. It always does me good to hear that I’m not the only one whose patience and buttons get pushed to the point of eruption. I remember a conversation I once had with my oldest when he was 16 or so and I explained that I had no more control over him; that whatever foundation he had for his current decision-making was laid when he was Adi’s age and before. I told him I had faith in him and that I hoped his foundation was solid enough to see him through. He’s 26 now and doing his thing. But whew! There were some rough waters in between!
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It’s so hard to manage some of what we focus on at school with our own kids. You are definitely not the only one!
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Much like our coaching, we are not going to hit it out of the park every day, every moment. It’s how we recover, how we move on, that the kids learn from.
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You are human. You are allowed to make mistakes. It’s OK to be frustrated. I have been working hard to “embrace the red” in my own life (RULER talk). I don’t know about you, but I was kind of raised to stay out of the red. I’m learning that t’s OK to be angry and frustrated. There is no shame in it. Name it and then try to shift yourself to another place. And yes, also celebrate all the good moments. I know there are many.
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Many good moments and many meta-moments!
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Your post, I think, will strike a chord with many of us who are parents and who sense the disconnect between our “perfect selves” and the reality of life with children. But the message you weave in here is an important one- Words Matter. Thank you for this honest slice that carries such an important theme 🙂
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The reality of our family life is often challenging. My youngest had the same reaction to school when she started, polite, kind, attentive at school. Once home…. a completely different being! Hang tough, words do matter! Keep being positive, while also being Mom.
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Second guessing ourselves as moms is what we all do. I still berate myself for things I did 40 years ago! Really..I do! But we must remember that when we love our children and they know it, and when we do the best we can, we are the best we are. Love is everything.
Thank you for sharing this post.
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Never give up. Always love them, as hard as that may be sometimes…really. Always, as you’ve done hear be open to those moments where your kids are another person outside of your family give you the feedback to know that, yes, in fact you are doing a good job. Rose delivered that feedback beautifully!
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Thank you for this. ❤️
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Yikes! We’ve all been in your shoes too many times ! The great part is when we hit the “reset button” as well as the magic of the moment when our child mirrors our better self. Thanks for sharing.
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Well, I know it wasn’t your intention, but I think one thing your post did was give a lot of other parents (and teachers) a sense that they are not alone in their imperfection. Everyone tries to put forth a public face, but we all have a bit of what Adi was feeling, too, like it’s hard work being nice and under control all day. We’d like to have license to be mean. It’s great that she’s at that transparent age where she speaks the things adults won’t say. This kind of slice serves so many purposes — reflection for you, preservation of a moment for all of us, confessional, and pep talk. It’s all there. Thank you.
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I think I’ll keep a list of all of Adi’s transparent comments. That should make for an amusing slice. Be on the lookout and thanks for the idea.
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You are human and you are showing that to them. Relationships are a two-way street and sometimes our kids see the impact of their actions on us. I think it is ok and even good sometimes. It is how you recover that matters. We always have the power to choose our next step. They learn from those words as well. Beautifully crafted, with a close in ending — thank you for sharing.
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Our book club was just talking about having patience with our own families after a long day so this sounds all too familiar. You are one of the most patient people I know and your words are more often kind and encouraging!
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If our successes are grander than our failures as parents, then we are doing okay. We cannot do well every day. It’s hard to be perfect… no one is.
I appreciate the honesty of this post.
And, btw, you’re doing an awesome job as a mama!
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Thank you! ❤️
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I nearly spit out my soup laughing when Adi said, “I’m just going to be mean the rest of the day,” Oh, Adi. I mean, it’s completely legitimate, but how on Earth do you parent that child? I hope you can extend yourself some grace – we have *all* been there. And in writing this, you have done us all the favour of reminding us of that truth. I’m also really glad that you can see the positive results of your parenting words right alongside the less-than-stellar ones. Oh! We truly are all doing the best that we can. And some day, Adi will no longer be 5 – but I’m betting 15 might be challenging, too. 😉
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Oh my goodness. I’m not sure I can imagine the teenage years. 🤣
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Thanks for the reminder. It’s hard to not cave with buttons being pushed all the time.
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